From what I've learned of brain science, the more we think of things in a certain way, the more we're wired to continue to think of things that way. Thoughts follow the path of least resistance, which has to do with the way synapses and neurons and other fancy things in there work. (Follow me for all your science needs.)
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Right now, since starting to write about all of this didn't just magically erase the shame or heal the wounds, I'm trying to catch myself falling down the rabbit hole of self-judgement and offer myself an alternative view.
This is...hard. And I forget to do it. A lot. The thing is, that bad t-shirt cliché that says "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got" IS TRUE, bad grammar and all, and I'm tired of eating shame for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Here's my shakily constructed list of things I'm trying to do to rewire my thoughts:
1) Catch myself in a shame spiral, call it out, breathe, and shift. It goes something like this (and you have to imagine all of this in the bizarre cadence of old Hollywood moviespeak:
"You're shaming yourself again, madam. May I offer you a different choice?" I then answer myself: "Why, yes, I do believe that would be fine!" And then I take a deep breath and remember that I'm ok, and good, and loved, and that my hair looks amazing in those 1940s siderolls.
2) I've spent a lot of time in therapy and in my journals looking at the way my relationship with my dad-- fraught! complex! less than ideal! painful!-- led me to seek approval from another father-figure. I found that approval in the church, where priests are tasked with being trustworthy and available for guidance. (Catholics literally call priests "Father." I get it now.)
Remembering the way patterns in my childhood made way for patterns in my relationship with this priest has been enlightening, and is helping me to make a path through a time in my life that seems so alien and disconnected from my sense of myself. I've literally been trying to figure out how Point A (a safe, acceptable, collegial relationship with a spiritual figure of authority) got to Point B (an emotional affair that led to a three day physical affair.) Yep-- the physical stuff was super brief. Essentially, there was one day when he crossed a line and I tried to walk it back, but he convinced me otherwise, and that happened twice more when I met up with him to try and fix it. Three days, but that was enough to make me feel ruined for almost ten years.
3) I joined an entirely new church denomination, where the pattern of the Sunday service is different enough that the liturgy itself isn't triggering. I can't stress enough how individual recovery from spiritual abuse needs to be, BUT if it's at all possible for you to find a different place to go to fulfill that side of yourself, do it. I made the leap from being an Episcopalian to being a Lutheran, and the Sunday service is finally back to being a source of comfort and renewal. I'm still massively triggered by the presence of the pastors and generally try to avoid them, but luckily, I've just been an unremarkable pew-warmer in this parish, and have no plans to try and get involved with church politics. I don't have to be around the pastors if I don't want to be around the pastors.
So there you have it! A peek into how I'm trying to shift my habit of mind to align with my goal to integrate the trauma and move through healing. It it's not easy, but the efforts appear to be slowly paying off. I no longer spend every waking moment of free time in obsessive rumination-- only about half! *weak smile* Still: GO TEAM BRAIN HEALTH.
Image description: An embroidery hoop with a turquoise background sports a peach-colored brain stitched in embroidery floss. Fiber arts! A talent I do not possess.
Image credit: "Orange and Blue Brain Anatomy Hoop Art. Hand Embroidered." by Hey Paul Studios is licensed under CC BY 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/?ref=openverse.
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